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ABOUT BDSM – About my life.

What is BDSM?

This is one of the question I got asked so many times in the past 3/4 years. It is hard to answer this question, not really because of a lack of knowledge about what BDSM is, but because of the loneliness and the discomfort this questions throws me in. It’s not easy to be remembered each day that your “lifestyle” (it is not a lifestyle, but let’s try to stick to simple words with wide meanings) is odd, far away from “people”, especially in the country I am currently living in (Italy).

So let’s start by defying what BDSM is NOT. It’s not a “different way of making kinky sex”. It’s not being “pigs”. It’s not being extreme and following a path of self destruction. It’s not related with doing chems parties, and it’s absolutely NOT related to having Bareback sex. All of this has another definition, which to me is “doing random kinky sex, without using your brain”.

Brain. What a wonderful thing, the brain. Here you have it; “brain” is the first keyword you should consider as part of the kaleidoscopic definition of what BDSM is.
You need other keywords? Trust. Wisdom. Deep connection. Relationship. Love. Pain. Respect. Pride. Honor. Rules. Discipline. Hierarchy. Roles. Love. Love. Did I mention love?

Let’s start from breaking apart BDSM in it’s words: Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.
Most of the people when confronting the “BDSM topic” have immediately brought to their mind stereotypical images coming from old memories, movies, things people have heard in the back of their minds for ages, where BDSM was associated with “freaks”, “weirdos”, “strange people”, “dangerous people”. And there are many mass media products that have helped creating this prejudice (I would say, this waste ignorance endorsed by the fact that it’s mostly diffused). The point is that those mass media take the “WHAT”, but they don’t show you the “WHY”.

Us human being are very blessed with the gift of a very complex BRAIN. We need WHYs to do the WHATs. And when the WHAT is done without a WHY, then many unpleasant feelings kick in, and therefor, many fast and misaimed assumptions. As an example, the huge diffusion of casual sex in the gay community (but not only in the gay community, though this is another topic). We keep having more and more sex with people we don’t know and we don’t want to get to know, and we need, literally we crave for more and more. And the reason for that is that we are focusing on the WHAT (sex) without enjoying the WHY (connection, perfect chemistry, great attraction, perfect match of what the two people fantasize about, trust in each other, desire of that specific person….).

So, BDSM works when you are ALL, completely IN, with the WHY. The WHAT will follow. But let’s jump a bit back, and try and understand why do we need BDSM and why it truly is inside of everybody… yet most of you don’t know it is inside of you.

Mankind is a nature’s unexpected “wrong turn”. We evolved. We truly evolved a lot. Normally this doesn’t happen. We are possibly the only race in our planet’s history which have survived and evolved so much. But while doing this, a perversion started to happen: we needed to create an artificial society. Most of you will be thinking by now “You need a society”. True. But we already had it. It was the same kind of society each and every relational animal living in Packs had. Think about WOLVES. Think about CHIMPANZEES. Think about LIONS. Think about ELEPHANTS. And I could go on and on. Each relational animal race live in packs and have a strong sense of family, and most of all, of HIERARCHY. The HIERARCHY is there in order to give order, peace and efficiency to the pack.

So in a group of animals, there is a scale of hierarchy that goes from the ALPHA (the most dominant, usually a male, that fought and conquered this title by showing and proving to the pack that He’s worth of what he stands for, that will provide protection, guidance, direction and strength) down to the OMEGA (The most remissive, submissive and in need of helping others of the pack. These elements are by nature the most expendables, but they are by their own choice. They’d do whatever it takes to protect the pack, and spare the ALPHA’s life. Their life has meaning BECAUSE they are useful to the pack). In this delicate balance, there is no A class and B class individual because of their positions in the hierarchy. That is something evil we humans have invented with our artificial society. There is no classism. Everybody have the same importance, but they do have different roles. And respect is one of the main important things in a pack working this way.

So, us mankind we were born the same way. And we still have this instinct inside of us. I’m sure I’m not the first you hear or read talking about “the animal living inside of you”. Each one of us has a beast sleeping inside of himself; and the best is waiting to be awaken. Of course, one can live a perfectly artificial human life without needing to get in touch with the most honest and natural side of himself. But once you know it is there, once you felt it growling inside of you, it’s very difficult to just keep it at bay. And it’s also painful.

So this is what BDSM is about, at it’s core. Finding your place in the world. Who are you? Are you a Dominant person? Are you a submissive one? Do you feel pleasure in letting other people guiding you and being helpful for those you consider great people? Or do you find it difficult to obey to society, need to change things and have people following your lead, with a strong sense of protection towards those who are loyal to you? Well, in most of the cases, you are both. There is no such thing as 100% Dominant (Dom) or 100% submissive (sub). Each one of us is the distilled result of many things that happened, and keep happening, in our lives. So let’s say who we are in the BDSM hierarchy is 50% natural born (Dom or sub) and 50% made by the life we are living. One can be an extremely Dominant man, leader at work, leader with friends, carrying the weight of being exceptionally intelligent and loved by everybody, and therefor in need to leave that weight down with someone that he feels “higher” than him in the hierarchy. It’s a thing about feeling in balance, and feeling loved for WHO YOU TRULY ARE.

This is what BDSM is.

Of course it goes way further and beyond this, and not everybody is searching for the deepest kind of experience in the BDSM “lifestyle”, which to me and most of the community is the Master/slave relationship. To many people it’s much more about mere Domination and submission within the sheets, and the situation ends when the climax comes, or when the so called “safe word” is spoken. Not to me. And I’ll tell you why in the next post.

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9 thoughts on “ABOUT BDSM – About my life.”

  1. Interesting.
    I totally agree. BDSM is about trust, relationship, love, pain etc. It is also, in my opinion, a way to escape from the standard imposed by our society, it encourage a “fluidity of roles”, and allows people to express themselves with role plays, uniforms and “customs”.

    PS I am writing the proposal for PhD research about BDSM used as expression and how society depicts S/M practitioners and fetishists taking as example the Spanner Case, the legal attacks to Robert Mapplethorpe and Ron Athey and the Extreme Pornography Act (which is ridiculous as well as it was the Spanner Case during the 1990s).

  2. I have no dissapline when it comes to this kind of living, but I always admire people who do. Thanks Peter for giving be a look into what is Your world and a better understanding of who You are. Very well written and honestly so.

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