Internal Bondage: to be finally free

Bondage: a word that could strike fear into this boy quicker than anything. boy always avoided anything that was even close to bondage in its travels, which worked for a while. That is, until it began its training as a leather boy. Luckily, this boy has a great MASTER, who has the patience of a saint. Through His training, boy has realized there are many forms of bondage boy has had itself in, one of which had lasted 40 years. boy would like to discuss bondage as it has affected boy personally.

When boy was a young man, it wanted to participate in sports. boy could run very fast, and could throw a football with great accuracy. boys older brother was a big football star in high school, and boy felt it could never live up to his legacy. Suddenly all these fears stared popping up: boy knew nothing of weight lifting, hated being in the locker room (fearing its body would respond embarrassingly around other naked boys) and really wasn’t in the same crowd as the sports guys. boy was a brainy guy and did all of those things. As a result, boy didn’t participate in football, which had the opposite effect: it was teased for not going out for it rather than having to worry about living up to its brother. Time went by with boy doing nothing team oriented, yet continued to ride its dirt bikes and waterski. boy was already good at these and didn’t need to worry about trying to be good at something. boy really wanted to shape up its body, but there was no way boy could be caught in a gym. it had no idea how to lift at all. Life went on with boy keeping itself bound from doing what it really wanted.

boy stayed this way until it was 29 years old. One day, boy walked into a gym (nearly vomiting as it approached) and a guy who worked there named Vern, a big pile of Pro muscle walked up and shook boys hand and welcomed it to the gym. After asking boy about its goals, and being so nice and welcoming, boy joined. After some personal training with Vern, boy learned the basics and took itself from a kind of scrawny 165# to what it is today: 250#. boys fears kept itself restrained from doing what it really wanted to do, and it was something boy excelled at and felt so much better doing, and felt so much better AFTER being released from this self- imposed bondage. This was terrible and actually crippling until boy faced this and realized it was finally free.

Familial Bondage

Does anyone have a family that under the guise of love has tried to hold it back from what it wants to accomplish? This boy did. boys early life was fraught with abuse of every kind, including being tied and confined in small spaces as punishment. This is a more literal sense of bondage, but think about the times, searching for a boyfriend/girlfriend and being so excited, the family ran him or her down so badly that it cut out the excitement of even having a boyfriend or girlfriend? Have you ever wanted to take a class that your parents didn’t agree with and held you back from learning something that you were passionate about? This boy did. boy was unable to have much of a social life in part because everything boy chose was not good enough. boy was expected to be in all of the hard classes, even being double promoted in elementary school. boy was forced to do spelling bees, problem resolution competitions, all very public things. It was nearly impossible for boy to function in these because of the abuse it was subjected to. What if everyone could tell? What if the awful things that boy had done to it were discovered by everyone? How would boy even live though that?

40 years in the wrong kind of Bondage

Even having friends was a challenge because boy would not get too close with anyone, as it worried it may say the wrong thing and expose the abuse, which would either get laughed at (everyone joked about butt fucking back then, but boy was the only young boy it knew of that had actually experienced it) and what if it got back to certain people? It would be so much worse, and perhaps deadly for boy. This was a redneck town, to say the least. So boy put itself in a sort of bondage, keeping itself away from most people to avoid the chance of revealing its true life of beatings, emotional abuse, being fucked. It took boy 40 years to talk about any of this with another person. 40 years in the wrong kind of bondage, keeping itself away from anything too serious, lest things about it be discovered. Feeling less than everyone else; feeling damaged, and of no use to anyone anyway. Once it opened this up, it actually found its closest friend had endured the same abusive situations as a kid, and we really cried together, thinking how much of a support we could have been to one another. Luckily both she and boy turned out to be pretty nice people.

boy made its most progress when its MASTER questioned boy about it… when boy MASTER asks a question, boy is bound to answer, and after many talks about this, and lots of hugs and tears wiped away, boy finally felt the ties on itself loosen and go away forever. boy was actually thankful as it believes these traumatic experiences made it understand and appreciate the Leather life it was beginning to live.

Knowing Bondage, in the flesh

boy had seen and heard too much about bondage in BDSM, and it was fearful. The idea of being tied up was more than boy could stand. boys thoughts went to experiences in its childhood, and every awful movie where people were forced into being bound, with the person being told “I will let you go when I want to let you go…”. Overwhelming. For a visual, thing “Pulp Fiction” where the guy is kept in the trunk tied up. Really? boy is supposed to like this?

In boys ongoing training, it is learning constantly; being “rewired” to respond differently to different stimuli. For someone like boy, who has always freaked out at the very idea of being bound, it nearly died when its MASTER wanted to discuss this and try some with boy.

Now, this is where boy knows it has a wonderful MASTER: instead of just ordering boy to do what He wanted, yelling to get into whatever position so He could restrain boy, He asked many questions and spent a lot of time to find out what boy was so afraid of, why it was afraid, what it thought would happen if it gave up control. He explained to boy, this really wasn’t about bondage at all. It was about Trust. The conversation changed, and asked questions about why boy felt it could not trust him. When it was put to boy that way, boy really didn’t have anything to say other than it did trust Him.

He sort of tricked boy into this the first time it happened, and it was tough. He asked boy to come over to he inversion table, and see if it could hold boys weight and if it could be used fully with boy on it, as boy goes 250#, and is beefy. boy of course, agreed and mounted the table. He then attached straps to hold boys body tp the table. Yes, it was indeed able to hold boys weight. SIR then asked boy to put its hands out, and placed puppy mitts on boy, which is something boy had trouble with the first time it wore them. This time, because W/we were just “testing the table”, it was fine, SIR attached the loop on its left hand to the bench. boy finally figured out what was going on, and said “SIR, You are pretty tricky!” With that, He attached boys right hand to the table. At this point, boy felt its balls tighten and that cold “oh what did boy get itself into now” panic feeling want to start. It asked Him to let boy go and He said “no, you are going to stay here until I decide it is time to release you. you are the boy remember? I will stay with you. If you freak out or scream or cry, I will be right here to talk you through it, or hold you, or whatever you need to stay here, but you are going to be able to handle this with Me.” boy cleverly said “ what if boys asthma kicks in and boy has an attack?” He pulled out boys inhaler and smiled. This was tough at first, and boy had to put its trust and faith in its MASTER, and realized it was in good hands and to trust Him. boy remembered what He said, and boy did trust him. It really wasn’t a trick, it was done in a different way to avoid boy feeling overwhelmed, thinking about what was going on. Once boy was there, it was comfortable after the initial stress went away, and it was so comfortable it wanted to sleep. boys MASTER stayed right with it, as He always does, not to coddle boy, but to ensure boy is safe and well. That is always MASTERS first concern; ensuring anyone He has a session with is safe and not harmed or abused, whether it is a member if His Family as boy is, or a submissive that has requested training. boy admires the Man he is.

The Fear of Bondage is the Fear of giving Trust

With the help of its MASTER, boy has learned many things. Those hurts and fears from long ago are still there, but they don’t cripple boy so it is unable to live its life freely and He has restored boys confidence that it was not responsible for early abuse. This was imposed upon boy to just be mean and hateful. boy had no part in encouraging this and is certainly not expected to have these things hold it back. These have been turned into strengths for boy, realizing how tough boy must have been to go through those things, and stay a kind, compassionate person, and being able to break free of the bondage it put itself in.

boy has also learned, its MASTER likes boy just the way boy is. Of course, He is supportive of going to the gym, which has turned into something W/we share, but for health reasons, not so boy can be “hotter” for Him, even if boy feels it is part of its responsibility to be the best it can be for its MASTER. He loves boy just the way it is. For someone who has always felt it could never be good enough for anybody, this is some amazing stuff. To know boy doesn’t need to put itself in a tiny room, tied to the walls anymore. Experiencing life without those ties is like breathing for the first time.

it is worth mentioning, though there was not one set path in Old Guard Leather, there were Protocols and principles in place, and what resonates with boy the most is Discipline. This does not mean punishment; though boy does receive punishments that teach boy and make it a better boy. boy is referring to learning though discipline, both from its MASTER and internal, to be the best it can be, and to face fears and turn them into strengths, so life is no longer controlling boy; bot has control of its life and gives this control to its MASTER. boy is very fortunate to have a MASTER of this caliber, especially one who walks His talk.

boy looks forward to continued training with its MASTER. boy is eager for the opportunity to expand its time learning bondage, also. boy is a very lucky boy to have a MASTER who wants to build boy up, not tear it down. One who motivates boy to be the best it can possibly be. He doesn’t expect perfection on this journey, but He does expect the very best boy can put forward. It is what boy has always needed, and as long as He will have boy in His life, meaning boy treats Him respectfully and follows its orders, boy will be grateful and can look forward to learning to be the best boy it can be.

It has been a long 6 months since boy has last seen its MASTER, due to the COVID 19 virus, and has a trip planned Home to see Him the end of June. boy has learned so much more, being apart for this time. It has shown boy that it can trust its MASTER not only in a scene but in real life, and that its MASTER does not deviate from His path, which reassures and teaches boy to emulate Him in His actions. Now, more than ever, boy looks forward to expanding its Service to include not just more bondage, but to no longer fear tasks its MASTER assigns boy. boy knows it is safe to place its mind, body, heart and soul in its MASTERS hands.

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